Death Will Clean Your Closet Read online

  I pushed impatiently through the first row and the second. In the dark, the clothes on their hangers pressed close around me like trees in the nastier kind of fairy tale forest. Yep, there was a third row. I could make out the dresses and coats from the Forties and Fifties that my mom hadn’t bothered to take with her when she’d moved out to Long Island. They smelled stuffy and old-fashioned. I guess the actual fragrance was mothballs. I even found a few of my father’s suits that my mom had never gotten around to giving away or throwing out. I thrust them all aside to left and right.

  Beyond all that I finally found a door. I’d had no idea that it existed, though I’d lived in this apartment my whole life. Yorkville old-timers like me had accumulated a lifetime’s worth of junk and treasures we hadn’t seen in decades and never looked for, because we didn’t remember we had them. But Upper East Side yuppies moved into empty spaces.

  I groped for a knob or lock. When I found it, the whole thing came off in my hand. I took a startled step back and almost tripped. The screws that had held it rolled around under my feet. When I stepped on them, they fled like mice. From beyond the door, I heard the thump of heavy metal. It was a wild night in Narnia. And I smelled garlic.

  An hour later, Jacky Doyle and another cop came knocking on my neighbor’s door.

  About the Author

  Elizabeth Zelvin started writing the Bruce Kohler mysteries after developing and directing a treatment program for homeless alcoholics on the Bowery, New York's legendary Skid Row—a place that no longer exists. Liz is also author of two historical novels, Voyage of Strangers and Journey of Strangers. Her short stories have appeared in Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, and a number of anthologies and e-zines. Her stories have been nominated three times for the Agatha Award and once for the Derringer Award. Another story was listed among 50 top stories in Best American Mystery Stories 2014. Liz is a psychotherapist who lives in New York and works online with clients all over the world. Her publications include a book on gender and addictions, two poetry books, and, as Liz Zelvin, an album of original songs, Outrageous Older Woman.

  To learn more about Liz, visit her website at http://elizabethzelvin.com

  You can friend Liz on Facebook at http://facebook.com/elizabeth.zelvin

  You can find all of Liz's fiction at http://tinyurl.com/zelvin-amazon

  The Bruce Kohler Mysteries

  Novels

  (in order of publication)

  Death Will Get You Sober

  Death Will Help You Leave Him

  Death Will Extend Your Vacation

  Death Will Save Your Life (novella)

  Death Will Pay Your Debts

  [Note: e-book editions of the above works appeared briefly in 2015 under the alternate titles of Dead Sober, Dead Wrong, Dead in the Hamptons, Dead Guru, and Dead Broke.]

  Short Stories

  (in order of publication)

  “Death Will Clean Your Closet”

  “Death Will Tie Your Kangaroo Down”

  “Death Will Trim Your Tree”

  “Death Will Tank Your Fish”

  “Death Will Fire Your Therapist”

  Readers have occasionally asked about anomalies in the chronological order of the books and the progress of Bruce's sobriety. This was not due to any desire on my part to frustrate or mystify the reader but rather the uncertainties of publishing. For example, Death Will Save Your Life was originally a novel, Death Will Improve Your Relationship, that I intended to be the second in the series. My editor at St. Martin's rejected it. A few years later, I cut 50,000 words and turned it into an e-novella for booksBnimble. They changed the title because they said my original title was too long to fit on a thumbnail cover jpeg. For this new edition, when I could do whatever I wanted, I had to admit they were right about that.

  For readers who absolutely have to read the extended story that we call a mystery series in the order in which it happens and don't mind shifting back and forth between novels and short stories, here's my best estimate of the chronology of Bruce's journey toward recovery. The timeline is less crucial in the short stories, so you could take a short cut: read Death Will Save Your Life right after Death Will Get You Sober, and save the short stories till after you've read all the novels.

  Death Will Get You Sober

  “Death Will Clean Your Closet”

  Death Will Save Your Life

  “Death Will Tie Your Kangaroo Down”

  Death Will Help You Leave Him

  “Death Will Trim Your Tree”

  Death Will Extend Your Vacation

  “Death Will Tank Your Fish”

  “Death Will Fire Your Therapist”

  Death Will Pay Your Debts

  Other Works by Elizabeth Zelvin

  Historical Fiction

  Voyage of Strangers

  Journey of Strangers

  “The Green Cross”

  “Navidad”

  Kingdom of Strangers (forthcoming)

  Urban Fantasy/Mystery

  Shifting Is for the Goyim (novella)

  “A Shifting Plan”

  “Stalker” (forthcoming)

  Crime Fiction

  Breaches & Betrayals: Collected Stories

  “The Man in the Dick Tracy Hat”

  “Girl Feeding Birds”

  “The Saxon Hoard”

  “The Silkie”

  “Choices”

  “Dress to Die”

  “The Emperor's Hoard”

  “A Breach of Trust”

  “Death Will Clean Your Closet”

  OUTSIDER BOOKS

  Copyright © 2007 Elizabeth Zelvin

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  This book is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously.

  “Death Will Clean Your Closet” was first published in 2007 by L&L Dreamspell in the Sisters in Crime New York anthology Murder New York Style.

  This e-book is part of a special 2016 edition of the entire Bruce Kohler mystery series, newly edited by the author for Outsider Books.

  Cover and book design by Elizabeth Zelvin